April 3, 2013,
Ugh goddammit, I decided to stay up this late to finish my English project (it's 2am) and I still haven't touched it! Not one bit. AHHH! I guess it doesn't matter because I'm planning to do an all nighter or sleep at 6am because I'm going to miss two days of school Thursday and Friday. So I decided to finally make a blog to rant out thoughts and share things :D! Well turns out my first post will be about school because it's been bothering me for quite some time.
I am not really liking high school because of several things like the fact that I'm behind by 4 credits; our school has a self-paced program where students can submit their work anytime and you can even continue or finish a subject onto the next semester. Well shit I totally messed up in Grade 9 because by the end of that year, I finished 5 credits instead of 8 like everyone else. I have a major problem in terms of time organizing and of doing my homework in general. My single mom never forced me to do homework at a younger so I'm unfortunately not your typical, Asian, disciplined kid.
Anyway, the next thing that really sucks in my high school life (so far), is the clique that I hang out with. Oh my god, we're all Asians! I'm not trying to contribute this to more stereotyping but I feel so pressured, indirectly, to have good grades and to be being on track. Thinking about it again actually doesn't sound too bad because one should get good grades and be on track! However, that's not what's bothering me about my group. Okay, let me tell you about the history of my group (as far as I know).
The group was first 'made' in Grade 9 (2010-2011) because we were all newbies and since Asians are shy and not outgoing most of the time, we kind of just gathered at one table during cafeteria break. We didn't all know each other but one person would at least know another person. Then, the first drama happened. Holy crap, I didn't do anything but whatever, it happened lol. I don't know how to exactly explain it nor if I even know the whole story but me and 3 other friends were 'kicked' out of the group. Now, I don't blame the person who caused the drama because everyone has their personal issues so...yeah. But! The rest of the group never did anything to help solve the conflict or to even do something y'know. Like what kind of fucked up psychological thing was happening at that time?? Although this is a very exaggerated example to use, that reminded a lot of that time when Wang Yue, a two year old toddler, was run over by a van TWICE in 2011. Despite such horrid accident, several people passed by and ignored the bleeding-to-death baby! And again, I apologize for using such a sad example but I'm pretty sure I can extract something in common from Wang Yue's incident and my group's separation.
Since I find this to be such a big deal, I can safely admit that I secretly (LOL) hold a grudge against the group as a whole, but not as individuals though.
So, the following year, I found myself to have my first period class with a girl from my old group. I felt so uncomfortable so I didn't dare interact with her until she nicely approached me. We helped each others with math and we talked over about what happened last year. I was really happy to know that she thought it was stupid as well because I thought that everyone was the same in that group. Yes I was judgmental and I still am. Back on topic, she convinced me and the group and everyone else involved to make up...and we did. But it would never go back to the way it was because some of us that were kicked out already made their permanent group. Nevertheless, I felt better.
Until the end of Grade 10 that is. So, same person partly responsible for the drama #1 got super upset at me because I tried to help her with her problem (to her it sounded like I was taking control of things meh). No, that's not even what bothered me the most. What did was that he whole group knew about it! They all knew why she was mad at me, all, except for little Chanda. No one told me! Instead, they just...continued with their normal habits. Wtf! I knew something was wrong so I had to force one of my friends to tell me what was happening! I still don't even know why it sounded like a freaking taboo to confess to me! I feel like I could tell more about the group but I really have to start on my homework.
Biased conclusion: I am a judgemental person who does not like half of her 'friends' at school because they're all...backstabbers? That's too much of a harsh word but I can't find another one :/.
Okay so that was all for my first post. I hope it didn't sound too boring cuz I wrote a chunk. If you've read this far, thanks for the view :)! Until next time~ (no boring ranting hopefully)
Waiiitt! By the way, sorry for the swearing words! I usually don't use them unless I talk about a subject that has made me upset in the past.
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